My Abortion

As some know, I had an abortion when I was 22-yrs-old.  I was not a believer, so my decisions were based on my fleshly fear & selfish self will.  Well, years later the Lord showed me that this baby was a boy. I felt impressed upon by the Lord that this baby was to be called”Jack”  I often pray to God that He will open the Heavens every now & then to allow Jack to see me so that I can tell him how much I love him. Know that at the time I am writing this letter, I do believe I have received full forgiveness from Jack as well as the Lord from this grave sin against both of them as well as myself as well as the many others who would have been impacted by Jack’s life here on earth. Now I just want Jack to know that I love him, that I think of him often & that I can’t wait to see him when I get to Heaven.

Let’s go back to the time I got pregnant with the twins for a moment in order to illustrate a complete picture for you. As only one with multiples can imagine, my mind was blown in the natural about the fact that I was carrying twins, but in the supernatural it was also blown because I couldn’t imagine that my Heavenly Father would double my blessings in that way after having this abortion back in 2000.  And really… it was a triple blessing since He had already gave to me Presleigh 8 yrs after having the abortion!

Well, I don’t know if some of you remember but there is a story of how Aarron & I were driving to our counselor’s office one day after already finding out that we were pregnant with boy/girl twins when the Lord downloaded to me the name “Jezreel”.  Well, that is exactly what happened.  So, I was thinking… “I wonder what the meaning of ‘Jezreel’ means.” IMMEDIATELY after that thought came into my head Aarron turns to me & says “I wonder what the name ‘Jezreel’ means?”  WOW!  I mean, I hadn’t yet had a chance to tell him what name just popped into my head the moment before… & here Aarron got the same confirmation from the Lord at the same time! We were amazed, to say the least- as well as VERY anxious to find out what that name meant.

Now, it just happened to be that my counselor had a Biblical name book at her office. So, once we arrived & told her what happened while on the way to her office, she immediately grabbed that book in order for us to find out!

The meaning showed up from a place in Matthew 13 where the Bibles says “the Son of Man sows seed”, and “Jezreel” comes from the Hebrew meaning “sows/plants”.  Now, there is another place in Scripture where it says Hosea 1:11
“The people of Judah and the people of Israel will be reunited, and they will appoint one leader and will come up out of the land, for great will be the day of Jezreel.” 
In that verse it is believed to be that the “scattered seed- known as the people of Israel- would then be gathered by the Lord”, so great is the day of ‘Jezreel’ (or rather ‘the gathering up of what was once the scattered seed.’)  And, of course, we know that we Christians are referred to as the ingrafted branch of Israel, so applying that Scripture to me meant “that I was once lost but now I am found, as well” -very fitting, wouldn’t you say? I mean, the fact that this son that the Lord now blessed me with was to be THE very representation of what My Heavenly Father has done for me in my life was too awesome!

Now, as you also may remember, there was a little hiccup during my pregnancy with the twins where the perinatal doc was concerned that “Baby A”- aka “Jez” could very likely have a brain problem from some ventricle showing up as congenital abnormality (according to the ultrasound).  I thought… “Yep, here it comes… my punishment for my aborted son Jack.”  I had so much guilt, worry & concern that I brought about this ailment- that my transgressions were now falling upon my unborn child.  So, we prayed, I confessed, repented, wept… we gathered the troops (fellow brothers & sisters in Christ) to pray and PRAY HARD along with us!  (Thank you to those of you who were part of that, btw!)  And we waited & hoped & trusted in God’s Word.  For He says in Psalm 103:12 “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

Fast forwarding to months later we see that during the time of delivery, both babies were not only allowed to be born vaginally, but were healthy & whole- Praise God!  IMPORTANT SIDENOTE ABOUT JOVI whose name means “joy”: Abba Father has also allowed her to be the physical proof of the joy the Lord returned to me WHILE ALSO showing me how she was meant to come into this world alongside of her brother Jezreel (“Sower of seeds). He brought me evidence of this in Psalm 126:5-6 “those who SOW in tears will reap with songs of JOY. He who goes out weeping, carrying SEED TO SOW, will return with SONGS OF JOY…” !!!  Jezreel AND Jovi- together- united from the womb- in God’s Word- which is said to be Jesus according to John 1:1 & 14“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…  The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.“

Now, as most of you know, I have the best husband ever.  While were just dating I made him fully aware of the abortion, so now upon my request of wanting to honor Baby Jack in some way,we both agreed that Jezreel’s middle name would be “Jaxton”.  This is the name Jack whose Hebrew origin is John meaning “The Lord is gracious”.  As Aarron so eloquently puts it: “The name Jack is changed here to where there is now an ‘x’ and a ‘ton’ making it mean ‘from the town of John’ or more poetically- “from a place where God’s grace makes His home”.

Ok, so with ALL of that said…today my Master Creator showed me something else that showered me with even more revelation of His unfailing love, compassion and kindness to me.

Sometimes I like to be refreshed & reminded of Jesus’ love, so I was reading in Hosea 2:6-7 about how God had once upon a time “blocked my path, walled me in, allowed me chase after other lovers (literally) but not find them (not find the love I needed in them) to then call me back unto Himself“; to find my true Love & Husband in My King & My God.  So, there I was falling even more in love with the One who loves me & saved me when BAM, my eyes were yet again enlightened by what I was reading!

Hosea 2:22 says how when we (in that book referring to the people of Israel) return to the Lord God that He will cause the earth to respond with “grain, new wine, new oil and they will respond to “Jezreel”.  So, I go to Biblos.com for further understanding on what this may mean.  The first part of that passage is referred to as: to nourish and strengthen; like “wine” to comfort, cheer, and revive; and like “oil” to heal and soften, as well as make glad”.  (Do you see how “Jovi for joy is in this passage yet again?!?!?)
Ok… I am seeing this all come together now.  Then the Lord ties it in a beautiful bow for me when I ask?  “So, what about ‘will respond to Jezreel’?”

Well, the commentary goes on to say: “And they shall hear Jezreel; or “answer”; that is, these trees and fruits shall answer to the requests and desires of Jezreel who shall be abundantly blessed with them. “Jezreel” is not the name of a place here as it is in other verses of Scripture. No, here it seems to mean “the people of Israel just as I wrote about above from the verse in Hosea 1– unworthy in themselves yet shown such favor through the riches of God’s grace He still chose to bestow upon them. The commentary also translates it as “The great rejoicing with which they shall receive God’s gracious returns towards them”.

The end of this chapter goes  on to tell us that “God will show His love… we will be called His people… and there will be no denying the One we call Our God.” (Hosea 2:23 paraphrased by Cristine.)

“Wow” just doesn’t seem to suffice.  Even after all I have done to You, Father God mixed wuth the hurt I have inflicted upon others as well as myself bycommitting the sin of murder in aborting Jack along with uncountable many others wicked deeds- Your grace still allowed me to live, Christ’s blood still covered my sins AND Jesus still calls me friend!  Where can I go from there but forward?  I mean, to know that I will someday see the fulness of my family when I see Jack in Heaven is exactly that hope the Bible speaks of in Romans 5: 5  “hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” And by faith I pray that this testimony continues to defeat the enemy in my life as well as help those reading overcome the accuser just as it says in: Revelation 12:11“They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony”.

Today I am thankful to God for giving me the grace in the day to write this, that the Holy Spirit gave me the Words to write, and that Jesus continues to remind me of God’s love.  I hope this has blessed you.

In Him,
Cristine Pina